I lied to friend. Knowingly and deliberately, I lied to a friend. The feeling of guilt, shame and immediate regret have stuck with me since then, and only more than a month after the fact was I able to gather the courage to confess and ask for his forgiveness.
Like most lies involving dear ones, they are lies told out of kindness and the motivation is always one of sparing feelings, not of intentionally deceiving. But our motivations are not important, only our actions and what comes out of them. Like they say ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’.
Should I have told him at all? I mean, if I’m concerned about sparing his feelings I should have kept my mouth shut for it would’ve been almost impossible for him to find out and the truth would surely hurt even more.
Yes, I did the right thing by coming clean. I did what I should’ve done in the first place. He does indeed deserve that much. His friendship has earned him the right to know he had been lied to by someone who shouldn’t have.
I did do the wrong thing for the right reasons, or so I thought, but with the wisdom of hindsight (and we’re all so very wise in retrospective), I know it isn’t so. Though I am not religious I’ll insert my second religious innuendo… and the truth shall set you free. The truth shall set you free from guilt, free from shame, free from regret, free from feelings of suffering.
Who am I to decide what my friend should or should not feel? He deserves the truth and to feel accordingly to the way he chooses to process it. Feelings are to be felt, not spared.
What happens now? What happens to the ‘We’?
We both have choices to make and luckily, we both have options.
For me the answer is clear… move on. I choose not to forget but to forgive myself for the pain I caused and move on. I choose to learn from this experience and make truthfulness what mine will ever get from me. I choose to let go of suffering and hope you choose the same.
The choice of what ‘We’ is from now on, is yours. You have forgiven me but expressed a remaining sense of hurt, which is only to be expected. I understand that ‘We’ cannot be as it was before, but am confident that it can be better and stronger for the reason that there is more to build on. I can only hope that you to decide to meet me in this improved place.
With love and friendship,